The man who treated the woman as a woman who despised the silence as a hostile.
I want to emphasize the point that when a man hears a negative criticism, not long before, the man will understand it as a contempt for him. Remember that a man wearing a “blue hearing aid”, when his wife sent a very sharp “pink message” to him, his air hose will start to leak, he will be very quick to think: what does she say me? I shouldn’t have been treated so well, except for her, everyone has a great respect for me. She is Big deal, deliberately finding fault, I hope she can be quiet!
If the husband can not stand his wife’s complaint and blame, he will immediately stand up, a word also does not say to go out the door, but this is a fatal blow. He might also call a way: “I don’t love you!” His wife was like a stroke of his head, feeling dizzy. The poor wife felt that her husband was not loving herself, and she tried to come close to her husband by the act of love. But he was so rude, and did not say a word, walk away, the she throw in there, he simply in the world the most abominable, most no love guy. At the moment, the wife’s mood bad to the extreme. Even initiation of the idea of divorce, but if she were to static under heart to come to think, she would recognize caused contradictions fuse is her criticism of her husband.
Husband and wife both sides of the intention is usually good, but they failed to crack each other information in the encoding”. She blamed her husband for love, but he heard that he was not. He made himself far from the scene of the conflict to prevent the further deterioration of the contradiction, and she saw the failure of love.
The woman who is reading this book might say, “if the husband is not so childish, if he can have the courage to say it out, it may be another way.”.” You can think so, and I know why you think so. Unfortunately, that doesn’t change the man. What really decides to play is a man’s attitude to the pride of their pride. When the wife to her husband accusing, men usually don’t want to through the battle of the tongue, or by force to solve the problem, but sat silent there. In fact, he put all the anger, grievances are placed in the heart. Because of this positive conflict for her husband did not play much role, his wife began to think he was cold and heartless, no love. Yet at the same time, he also think: I couldn’t believe she is unexpectedly so for me, a little didn’t respect me. Just for my contempt, except to say that I’m not in love with her and ruthless. She won’t say anything.
The “crazy circle” continues to spin. Her voice grew louder and louder. Her silence made her sad. She grieved, distressed him! Soon, her entire person almost to collapse, she scream at him, his life might have heard the most terrible, the most vicious text and discourse. Women are often used to call names, they are masters of language arts. In the face of criticism of women’s words, the man at this time of the mood can only use “helpless” to describe.
Here I would like to emphasize that this is often the case in which the good intentions of the couple. Perhaps more because they want to give vent to the hearts of the long oppressed and angry. In fact, most of this “crazy circle” troubled couples are starting to be good intentions, they just don’t know how to express. With the crazy cycle of wanton invasion, and finally forced many couples separation or divorce. A couple had in my office quarreling, I interjected: “enough…… Enough! May I ask you a few questions, sir? Does your wife have the most basic kindness to you and others? Do you take care of your child?”
“Oh, of course.”
“Madam, does your husband have the most basic kindness to you and others? Do you take care of your child?”
“What are you two doing now? How can the two well intentioned people treat each other like this?”
Heard here, the couple looked puzzled at me, seems to be asking: “why don’t you tell us? We only know the noisy, noisy, noisy, but we really don’t know why.”
Over the years, I’ve tried to explain to a lot of couples that a very important part of the solution is to learn to decipher what the other person is communicating.
When his wife complained, criticized, and even shouted, she was sent to her husband such a encoding message: I want your love!” When her husband’s speech is rude or simply not to speak, he is to convey this message to his wife, “I want you to respect me,” he said!”
We now seem to understand how to crack the encoding information, but still encounter a lot of problems. To a large extent, men are very good at preventing a wife from the positive verbal attack, especially for those who believe that the husband does not love her wife. And most of the women are the most can’t stand is that those who don’t want to give love. For such a man, they are the least willing to give is respect. The woman will interpret this: want to be respected and must be in love before I win respect. Of course, if the wife continues to show disrespect to her husband, especially when they want to work hard to get things done, if his wife also believes that through such a way to wake up men, and get a man’s love, then they are wrong. To be sure, they are wasting their energy and will get nothing. In the next chapter, we’ll talk about how to deal with these issues.